


Is There Somewhere?

by Brenxalex



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-03
Updated: 2015-11-03
Packaged: 2018-04-29 17:40:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5136746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brenxalex/pseuds/Brenxalex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brendan promised himself not to let Alex complete him.<br/>Alex is trying not to show how much he doesn't want to let Brendan go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is There Somewhere?

**Author's Note:**

> This is loosely based on the song 'Is There Somewhere' by Halsey
> 
> Sorry if it sucks. I really just wanted to write something based on this song. I suck at endings specially so ugh.

In our hotel room/flashing those eyes like highway signs  
Just wanna feel your lips against my skin  
White sheets, bright lights, crooked teeth in the night life.

 

It just happens. It’s half way through rookie year and they’ve just won an away game. Some of the boys want to celebrate and he’s a young kid so who is he to say no? 

He should’ve said no. 

Brendan and Alex are tumbling through the hotel trying to get to their room, trying to avoid prying eyes, so they don’t bring shame to the Canadiens organization. 

They’re talking about goals, or goalies he doesn’t know. At this point they could be talking about the wallpaper and he would agree that it’s the best thing he’s ever done. Brendan somehow opens the door and crashes into the room pulling Alex with him and Alex loves how Brendan’s hand feels on his arm.

It’s not the first time he’s had weird feelings about guys, he mostly just hides it. He’s only ever told Neil and Anna. Anna told him it was nothing to be ashamed of but Alex knows that being a hockey player who has feelings for dudes, is kind of super weird and he doesn’t want to be treated differently in the locker room.

He thought he was doing fine at keeping his feelings in check, that is until Brendan reaches out to touch his hair and his hand trails down his cheek and to his jaw.

“I want to kiss you” Brendan says flashing his eyes and Alex really wants to kiss him too. So he lets Brendan kiss him because all he wants in this moment is to feel Brendan’s lips and teeth against his skin in this tiny dimly lit hotel room that they shared.  
So Brendan kisses him and Pushes Alex on to the white sheets of his unmade bed.  
That’s how it all starts. That’s how almost three years later he’s still stealing hidden kisses from Brendan Gallagher and he can’t seem to stop.

xxxxxxxx

 

This is right where it begins/ I promised myself I wouldn’t let you complete me.

 

Brendan Gallagher thinks that he’s a well thought out man. That he hides who he really is for the good of his career. He never thought about ever being out to anyone in the NHL, his family are the only ones that know. His sister always tells him that his friends love him for him and nothing will change that. Brendan also thinks that the fact of him being gay might.

Obviously that all changes on that one drunken night with Alex Galchenyuk. Of all the people who he could’ve hooked up with? Seriously? Alex?  
Alex confuses Brendan, he’s American with a Russian accent, he always looks like grumpy cat, and somehow that’s enough for Brendan to be smitten.  
Brendan doesn’t drink much; he wants to represent the Canadiens organization with pride and dedication. So when the guys invite him out for drinks he thinks he’ll have one or two.

More like a whole bottle and then some.

He remembers walking back to the hotel room and talking about goats? Maybe goals. He remembers the way Alex was giving him this look and he remembers how Brendan wanted to kiss him so very bad. Alex let him and that totally made Brendan’s head explode because Alex’s into guys? Since when?

Brendan feels content kissing Alex. He feels terrified about the consequences in the morning. But for that moment he just pushes Alex onto the bed and kisses him. He never wants it to stop because finally something feels right.

That’s right where it begins and he promises himself that he won’t let Alex complete him.

xxxxxxxx

 

I’m trying not to let it show, that I don’t want to let this go is 

It’s summer 2015, the season is about to begin and he should really tell Brendan about what he’s been hiding from him.  
When the season starts him and Brendan can’t go back to the way things were. They can’t go back to stealing kisses or sex in the hotel room when they’re on away games. 

Alex met someone during the summer. He met a girl. She’s pretty and makes Alex feel like he can do anything. She’s also a girl so he doesn’t have to keep a hidden relationship anymore. 

He’s wanted to tell Brendan for so long but every time hr goes to text him Brendan texts back with ‘I miss you’ and ‘World cup hockey!!’ and that gets Alex really excited because there’s a chance he can play against Brendan in September.

He misses Brendan too.

Brendan tells him that his country is totally going to kick Alex’s countries ass.  
Alex texts Brendan back that the USA will be champions and Brendan texts saying ‘Your country as in Russia. Idiot’ He’s so stupid. Alex says ‘Nerd.’

‘In Montreal!’ appears on his phone screen and he can’t help but smile at the thought of being back in Montréal too. That’s it. It’s not the fact that he gets to see Brendan in less than 4 hours.

Brendan looks so good. Alex licks his lips as Brendan stares at his body.

‘You went from kitten to lion king.’ Alex lifts an eyebrow at Brendan and smirks

‘You like what you see?’ Brendan throws down the bags of groceries he brought to Alex’s place and drags a hand against Alex’s abs.

“Bed. Now.”

So he’ll tell Brendan later about his girlfriend.

That he just cheated on.

He should probably try harder at trying not to show the fact that he really doesn’t want to let Brendan go.

xxxxxxxx

You’re stuck in my brain

The season’s started, Brendan’s been made an Alternate. He has Alex. Everything is going so well for Brendan. He’s the happiest he’s been in a long time and nothing could ruin that.

Brendan really loved missing Alex, if that makes sense. Alex was stuck in Brendan’s brain all summer. He loved talking to Alex about the dumbest things while he was in Vancouver and Alex was in Florida. He remembers how Alex told him that Team Canada wasn’t even going to make it to the gold medal game. That Team USA would take everything. As if.

He loved the banter he and Alex could have for hours on end. He loved everything about his weird arrangement he had with Alex. If you could call it that. They hadn’t really talked about what they were; Alex meant a lot to Brendan. He was his best friend and he really cared about him. But Brendan made that promise to himself three years ago. Alex would never complete him. He’s probably trying really hard to keep that promise.

Besides Alex acting a bit strange, which Brendan puts down to nerves for the beginning of the season, everything is perfect.

Brendan’s walking into an early practice because they have their home opener and he’s really excited about the debut of the A on his chest. He makes a beeline towards the locker room and sees Alex taping up his stick.  
He doesn’t notice the pensive look on Alex’s face. He doesn’t think that he could be blind sided so hard when everything seems perfect.

‘I’m debuting my A today!’ He says as he jumps in front of Alex.  
And then it happens and he feels like someone’s thrown 10 gallons of freezing cold water on him. He can’t move. He’s starring at Alex’s head because Alex is looking at his feet and Brendan can’t feel his heart. He thinks he’s dead. The words ring in his head over and over and over.

“I have a girlfriend”

That could ruin things.  
That does ruin things.  
Suddenly Brendan is back at square one. Things were too good to be true.

xxxxxxxx

Alex doesn’t mean to just blurt it out, it just happened, like everything else involving himself and Brendan.  
He was thinking about having to tell Brendan about him having someone else in his life, because it wasn’t fair to her or Brendan. He just wanted to stop whatever Brendan and he had so they could both move on. Alex didn’t want anyone to get hurt.

Someone had to get hurt though, as soon as the words leave his mouth he’s looking down avoiding looking at Brendan’s face, when he does look up he sees Brendan’s mouth wide open and his eyes avoiding him.

“Brendan, liste-“ but Alex can’t finish talking because Brendan’s already turning around, making his way out of the locker room.

“Bren w-“ Brendan doesn’t turn around just continues walking and says

“Practice.” Alex honestly has no idea what to do. This is what he wanted, he wanted to tell Brendan so they could both just move on with life, separately with no secrets behind closed hotel room doors.  
So why does he feel so confused? Why does it hurt that Brendan just walked away from him without even looking at him? Why does it hurt Alex to see Brendan so hurt?

Practice is a nightmare. Brendan won’t look at him and he partnered up with Nate for passing drills. Alex paired up with Semin, which made coach happy. Terrien probably thinks that he and Semin are trying to bond outside of being line mates.  
Alex knows that he’s only not been talking to Brendan for about two hours, but he misses him already.  
How is he supposed to distance himself? He just wants to talk to Brendan and explain why he has a girlfriend. Instead he’s passing pucks a little too hard at Semin while watching Brendan and Nate laugh about something that’s probably stupid. 

Later when he’s taking his skates off, Brendan walks up to him. He isn’t smiling like usual and that scares Alex.

“How long?” Alex is confused by the question, because how long of what? How long do they have left? How long is he going to take in the shower? He has the answer to only one of those.

“What?” Brendan takes a deep breath and exhales, looking down at his shoes.

“How long have you had a gi- how long have you been with her?” Oh. That’s the question, and the answer is probably going to remove Brendan from his life forever.

“Um, beginning of summer.” Alex stops looking at his skates, looks up at Brendan and tries to will Brendan’s eyes to look at him. Brendan doesn’t say anything again. Just nods his head and walks over to where Nate has apparently been waiting the whole time.

Nate looks at Alex with a frown on his face and Alex wonders in what time Brendan told him everything. Nate puts a hand on Brendan’s shoulder and they walk out of the locker room. Something boils in Alex’s stomach but he blames it on that sandwich he had earlier.

xxxxxxxx

Seconds not the same

Brendan cries on Nate’s shoulder that night. Nate doesn’t know what’s going on but he knows it has something to do with Alex. Brendan thinks he’ll tell Nate about everything soon, but for now he just wants to cry.

He doesn’t understand how Alex could do that to him. He thought that they had something, it had been three or so years give or take. And he thought that Alex would’ve at least called off whatever they had before dating a girl.

It’s not the fact that Alex is dating a girl that’s bothering him, he always knew Alex was bi. It was the fact that Alex didn’t say anything to Brendan. He kept up this charade all summer, he took Brendan for a fool. Brendan thought that maybe hooking up with someone for three years merits at least a ‘thank you but I’m leaving you for someone else’ talk. Apparently not.

Nate’s saying something to him but he’s so lost in thought he has to check back in.

“hmm?” Nate chuckles and it kind of makes Brendan feel a bit better.

“Do you want to tell me?” Brendan sighs and picks his head off of Nate, drying his cheeks with his sleeve.

“Alex and I. we were together or we did stuff together I mean. Nate nods his head like it’s the most normal thing.

“Look, I knew.”

“You knew? How?” Brendan gapes at Nate, eyes shining.

“Walls are thin, but listen to me, that not the point.” He pauses, probably thinking of how to word what he wants to say next. Brendan still can’t get over the ‘walls are thin comment’ and wonders how many others know.

“I know it’s not the same but when Dustin got sent down it took a lot for me to accept that and move on, I kept telling myself ‘at least he didn’t get traded.’ So just imagine it like that.” He finishes talking and looks at Brendan expectantly.

“What like ‘at least he isn’t dead?’” Nate laughs nervously.

“Okay maybe not like that but what I mean is, just know that he’s at least still your friend. I saw the way he looked at you today. He was devastated that you weren’t talking.”

Brendan looks down away from Nate and plays with his hands. They aren’t friends though, that’s the thing. They didn’t even break up, he just cheated or something.

“We aren’t. And it wasn’t a break up, it was a ‘I have a girlfriend, bye’ kind of thing” Nate looks at him confused and slowly a frown forms on his face.

So Brendan tells him the ‘Alex and Brendan story’ from the very beginning. He tells Nate about how it all begun, everything in between and how it all ended.

“You never defined the relationship?” Nate asks frown still prominent on his face “and he has a girlfriend?”

“No. I just wanted it to be fun and he wanted the same so there was no point. Yeah. Yeah he does and she’s probably so much better than me.” He feels like crying again but he stops until Nate’s next words punch him in the heart, probably breaking it.

“I also know that he loves you, you don’t look at someone the way he looks at you and not love them. He’s just scared” and Brendan starts crying again, Nate brings him into his arms and holds Brendan’s shaking body,

“All I know is that seconds not the same and that I promised myself I wouldn’t let him complete me, Nate. I promised.” 

Brendan thinks he broke that promise a long time ago.

xxxxxxxx  
Brendan won’t talk to him, or look at him or anything at him. Brendan’s just always with Nate. Alex might stranggle Nate if he as much talks to him. He doesn’t know why he went from thinking that Nate was a good guy to wanting to drop the gloves against him.

Seriously though, if he sees Nate touch Brendan’s shoulder one more time he might cut Nate’s hand off. First off he doesn’t understand how Brendan and Nate got to go into the haunted mansion together? Why would habs pr management do that to him? I mean, Brendan and he are the Gallys, and everyone loves the Gallys. He has half a mind to go yell at them.

He just finished watching Brendan squeal throughout the whole haunted mansion with those creepy ass clowns. Alex wanted to be the one Brendan was clutching at and pushing in front of him to protect him. Alex wanted to hold Brendan’s hand in public and blame it on the fact that they were both scared. But no, the person that gets to hold Brendan’s hand in public is Nate. Alex wants to kill Nate. 

He shuts his laptop, gets his phone out and he’s ready to text Ticker and tell him that Nate is cheating on him with Brendan.

‘Nate is cheating on you’  
He sends the text and waits patiently for Ticker to answer so they can both go and beat up Beaulieu.  
Alex never thought that Nathan could do that. Never thought that Brendan would move on that fast after three years of being whatever with Alex. 

‘What are you talking about?’ Ticker texts back, Alex didn’t want to be the one to do this but he has too, for Tokarski’s sake. 

‘He’s with Brendan now. Have you not seen the new Habs TV video?’ Ticker texts back immediately; Alex probably just broke his heart.

‘Are you a 13 year old girl? Just cause they touched like what? Twice?’ Alex is so confused, how does Tokarski not see it? He must be in denial.

‘You should see them at practice!’ The typing bubble appears and reappears a couple times and makes Alex more impatient. Finally Ticker answers back.

‘Stop assuming things. Nate talked to me about what’s going on and I think you’re being stupid. Talk to Gally.’

He’s being stupid? What the hell is he being stupid about? And he’s tried talking to Brendan, which obviously hadn’t worked. Nate had probably told ticker some lies so he could hang out with Brendan without question.

Once again he didn’t know what to do and the only thing he wanted to do was call Brendan so he does.

Brendan doesn’t answer.

Alex realizes that he doesn’t want to be without Brendan.

xxxxxxxx

Alex called him when he was over at Nate’s place. Brendan really doesn’t like being alone, specially now. Usually he would be at Prustie’s place but he’s in Vancouver now so that’s not possible. He could go visit MP but that would maybe be a bit weird.  
He misses Prust in these moments, he was so good at giving Brendan advice on all things Alex. He could do it over the phone but Brendan really needs face to face confrontation right now.

“You okay?” Nate asks him, and no Brendan isn’t, Nate knows but he’s just trying to get Brendan to talk to him.

“He just wanted to talk I guess. But we aren’t a thing anymore and I don’t want to talk to him.”

“Maybe you should.” Nate states. Yeah sure he should, doesn’t mean he can stand to see Alex’s face, or hear his voice. Alex has a girlfriend that he kept hidden from Brendan. The person Brendan thought was most important to him in his life, lied to him for so long. He doesn’t want anything to do with him, right now, maybe ever. Alex is just a team mate now. Not a friend, not a bo- a whatever. A team mate. He’s just Chucky.

“I want nothing to do with Chucky.” Nate stares at him like he has two heads,  
Probably because Brendan hasn’t called Alex ‘Chucky’ off the ice in three years.

 

He ends up talking to Chucky, Brendan kind of has no choice. Chucky corners him in the supply closet while he’s looking for tape.

“Talk to me please.” He hears the pleading in Chucky’s voice and it almost breaks him.

“Bren please? Look at me please.” Chucky grabs his arm and turns him around to face him.

“I am so sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner, I’m sorry that I kept her hidden from you all summer. I just thought you wouldn’t care because you know-“ Chucky shrugs his shoulder and a menacing smirk takes over Brendan’s face.

“Because we were nothing.” Alex looks down and doesn’t say anything, giving Brendan his answer.  
“Right. Well you have nothing to apologize for then. I meant nothing. We were just team mates who fucked for three years. That’s it. Have a nice life Chucky.” Brendan is about ready to leave when Chucky speaks up again.

“You never call me that.” Brendan shrugs

“Yeah, well you’re my teammate; I’m doing what team-mate’s do.” And then he walks out of that room, holding back tears and headed straight for Nate.

 

Yeah he totally broke his promise.

xxxxxxxx

Is there somewhere you can meet me?

Alex should’ve said something along the lines of ‘it started off as nothing ad then somehow turned into something and now I don’t want to be without you but I really really like you now.’ He realizes in that moment why Tokarski called him stupid.

Brendan felt the same thing Alex felt. Alex had hurt Brendan, something he had never wanted to do. It took so long to corner Brendan and Alex feels like he won’t get another chance to talk to Brendan again soon. So he does the only thing that he knows will get Brendan to meet him.

‘Is there somewhere you can meet me?’ He sends the text off to Brendan and heads off to their secret meeting place.

That phrase couldn’t keep any of them away. Brendan sent it once during Thanksgiving dinner and Alex had excused himself from his family and gone to meet Brendan. It was sort of their code for an emergency, when they really needed to talk about something they couldn’t tell anyone else, when they really needed to be together. Brendan might be mad at him but he could never ignore their signal.

 

He walks into the Belle Centre and makes his way up to the press level. No one would be there at this time. The arena was dark only a few lights on, for the people who were cleaning the seats.

He pushes the door open and walks into the room, already a light on inside.  
Brendan is sitting on the couch, one arm on the armrest and phone in one hand, scrolling through mindlessly.

“You always did get here before me.” Alex says hands tucked into his sweater.

Brendan sighs putting his phone down. “What do you want Chuck?”  
He ignores the ache that grows in his chest when Brendan calls him by his nickname.

“I wanted to tell you that it didn’t mean ‘nothing,’ maybe at first, but not now.”

Brendan gets up, walks to the far wall and leans against it.

“You had a girlfriend while being with me. You obviously didn’t care about whatever it was we had.” Alex shakes his head walking towards Brendan

“No, that’s not true. Yeah I didn’t tell you, but not because I didn’t care.” Brendan nods at him letting him know to continue.

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to lose you. Because I had- I have feelings for you and I realize that now.” 

“That doesn’t make any sense! You didn’t tell me you had a girlfriend because you didn’t want to lose me?” Alex nods “Then why have a girlfriend in the first place?!” Brendan is breathing really hard and Alex wants to tell him to sit down but Brendan might punch him and he doesn’t want to explain that to the media or his team.

“It’s easier!” Brendan’s brow furrows, giving Alex a questioning look.

“Having a girlfriend means I can have a relationship in public! I wouldn’t have to lie to my parents or my team. It’s easier Bren.” Brendan nods.

“For you? It’s not easier for me. I can’t just get a girlfriend and lie to everyone I know.”

“I’m bi, I’m not lying.” 

“That’s not what I mean. Did you not just tell me that you care about me?” Alex nods and walks forward getting closer to Brendan.

“You’re lying to them by being with her while liking me. You’re pretending.”

“You haven’t come out either.” Brendan snaps his head at him and backs away from him 

“That doesn’t matter! I’m not lying to you! My best friend! I’m not lying to my family or myself! At least I didn’t end things with you to go be with someone who I don’t even like!”

“I like her.” Brendan goes to walk past him but Alex grabs him.

“Let go of me. You like her. This whole conversation is pointless.” Alex doesn’t let go, he can’t let Brendan go.

“I’m just saying that she’s not just a random person. I like how she is, how she acts and stuff.”  
“Thanks for letting me know, I wish you a very happy relationship that you don’t have to hide away from anyone. I hope that one day you can actually love her. Goodbye Alex.”

Fuck Alex’s life.

xxxxxxxx

I’m sorry but I fell in love tonight, I didn’t mean to fall in love tonight.

Brendan hears Alex running after him and he speeds up to the stairs. He can’t have Alex talking to him any longer or he might start crying and give in to anything he wants.

“Brendan wait!” Brendan really hates the way Alex has control over him.  
Brendan turns around so quickly Alex almost runs into him.

“I want you. I want to be with you and if I have to leave her to have you then I will.”

Brendan looks up at Alex. Alex would leave her if Brendan asked. Brendan can see it in his eyes. He can see that Alex would do anything for him, just like he would do anything for Alex.

“I want you to be happy and if she makes you happy, if having her makes you feel secure than I want you to have that.”

“But I want to be with you.” Brendan thinks that maybe he’s desperate for Alex, but he would let Alex be with her and him at the same time if it meant they could be together.

“You can have me.” They’ll figure this out later. They’ll figure all this out later him and Alex. If Alex leaves her it’ll be his choice but at least he’ll have Alex in someway. Even in secret because he can’t say goodbye. And for now just having Alex is enough for Brendan.

 

“I’m sorry but I fell in love.” Brendan says to Alex and Alex takes him into his arms and kisses him. He kisses Brendan the most heart felt kiss he has ever gotten. Brendan leans in to return the kiss but Alex pulls away slowly.

“I didn’t mean to fall in love.” Alex says to him and Brendan smiles at him because Alex loves him back and that’s all that matters.

xxxxxxxx

You’re looking like you fell in love tonight, can we pretend that we’re in love?

Brendan loves him and he loves Brendan. Alex couldn’t be happier in this moment. He knows that there’s a lot to figure out and he doesn’t want to hurt Brendan anymore. He knows with time that Brendan is going to want more from him and Alex will have to be prepared to give that to Brendan if he wants to keep Brendan in his life.  
After all they’ve been through in a month he knows that he can’t be without Brendan. He doesn’t want to ever be without Brendan and he’ll do anything to keep him.

“You’re looking at me like you fell in love tonight.” Brendan says smiling and caressing Alex’s cheek gently as it goes red.

“I probably just realized it tonight when I thought I was losing you. But I’ve been in love for a long time.”

Alex means that. He also knows that if Brendan hadn’t loved him back and this had gone completely different, Alex would be broken crying on the floor of this hallway on the press level of the Bell Centre. 

“If you didn’t love me I would’ve probably had to ask you to pretend to love me for tonight just so I could deal. Brendan laughs and snuggles into him.

“I could never not love you.” Brendan pauses and looks up scanning the ceiling.  
“Isn’t there Cameras?” Alex looks up 

“Who even cares?” 

Brendan thinks he’ll be okay as long as he has Alex.

Alex thinks he can deal with whatever comes his way as long as he has Brendan.

“I love you."

“I love you too.”

They’ll be okay.


End file.
